11 AM: In which I again resolve to stop worrying.
First two classes were not horrible. The kids didn't mutiny, but they didn't listen and didn't learn and if I let myself, I could be an emotional basketcase over it yet again.
I'm so prideful and paranoid about these things. I try hard and do a lousy job at explaining things to the grade-2's, so they sit in their seats and do nothing at all. And I adore the kids so much, so I go one-on-one with them and we have a great time talking and working. But I fail, fail, fail at leading the class as a unit, while for 1st and 3rd grade I can lead a class.
And I don't think my co-teachers judge me, but in my head I picture them thinking how talentless and ineffective I am. Projecting my own thoughts about myself onto others. Because I really want respect. I want to be good at my work. Today I finally asked NG-Teacher if he had any ideas about how to make the 2nd lesson longer, or improve it. He didn't have any thoughts offhand, but I did finally let my pride go in order to ask for advice.
Anyways. Letting it go. The kids love me, and I love them. God loves all of us. I keep coming back to that.
In my second class, I sat and played an English word game with Sleepy Moonshik, who I adore. I told him to come by for candy later, and he did. He's my sweet little guy and it makes me happy to do nice things for him. I watched Soonhyuk be awesome at art and I praised him for his work. I listened to Mingyu answer a million questions and saw Taehyun smile. Good things did happen.
C-Jeongmin came by to give me a chocolate macaroon in a wrapper, secretly so the other kids wouldn't see what he was doing. Hyogwon came by to talk, too.
It is a good day. It will continue to be a good day. It will!
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2:30 PM Well, for 2-9, 2-1-, 2-11, only six students out of 30 paid any attention whatsoever, but we were all right.
I decided to only care about the boys I was talking with at the moment. Don't think about the room, don't think about anything but making Myeongbae feel special or appreciating Jiwon's cute art or puffing up Heekyu's already overinflated baby-ego.
That part was successful. I'm fairly unstressed right now because it's over. I didn't get mad during class, because I had no expectations for solid participation. I think I can continue to be chill like this. Step 1: Prepare the lesson with their best interests in mind. Step 2: Chill in class. Step 3: Love and adore the ones who I cross my path.
Afro-Jiwoong and Myeongbae are fast becoming serious favorites of mine. They always do the work and so always come to see me after class for candy. I make Jiwoong talk more, so we're getting a closer relationship just from sheer amount of exchanged sentences.
Yooseok and Taegeom did well, and Heekyu made me laugh out loud several times. Tiny Joohyun did his work and followed me downstairs for candy even when I hadn't signed his paper, just because he assumed I would. He was right.
Weeeeeee! Tomorrow is Thursday! Thursday is for smart, savvy 3rd-graders! And for squishy-cutie 1st-graders!
1st-graders who getting increasingly touchy. Somebody from Monday told the Wednesday boys that I sometimes give hugs. When they all left, I told them they were all getting high fives. Giseok said, "Teacher, not high five! A hug!" And he followed through by opening his arms when he left class. But I didn't hug him because Giseok is one of the rare 1st-graders who looks much older. He's just slightly too close to grown, I think.
And Giseok also loves me rather a lot. The boys in the front row were arguing over who didn't have a speaking partner, because the spare kid would get to talk with me. Minjin on the end won, and Giseok was in agonies over the missed opportunity. Like writhing-in-chair, beating-the-desk agonies. My co-teacher told me that Minjin had "won" me at rock-paper-scissors. The lengths they will go to for extra teacher-time are shocking.
Ah, my little ones. They are just super in all ways.
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6 PM: Students made me cry again, and it wasn't who you'd expect.
It was my little 1st-graders. My afterschool was going well. We were eating Reese's and writing commercial advertisements for Reese's when Yechan and CoolGuy Hyunseo broke into a fight.
A real fight. They were trying to hurt each other. Most mini-fights play out in 5 seconds before the participants get bored. After half a minutes, they weren't stopping, and Yechan finally got a chokehold on Hyunseo and was cutting off his air.
I yelled for them to stop and they didn't. I walked over and yelled in Korean--no response. Finally I physically pulled them apart and stood between them while everybody breathed and gathered their wits. I didn't realize that I'd gravitated toward one kid, but I was human-shielding Hyunseo, who is just an extra measure more dear to my heart. In that moment, I was his big sister, protecting him from harm while still viewing the other student as just another misguided kid, not an enemy.
I tried to think of what I should do next. Take them out in the hall? No. They're too far gone to understand a lecture. I just made them sit down separately. I tried to find Mr. B to report the incident and get to the bottom of it--I have no idea why my boys were suddenly at each other's throats, I just know that I've only ever seen anger of that caliber one other time, last year.
I stood in front of the class, calm and tired. I felt like I'd lived through a small storm. There were still five minutes of class left, so I told the guys they could all get an extra Reese's (they'd all already had two or three apiece) if they beat me at arm wrestling. They clearly had too much energy built up.
It was surprising how many of them won for real. Jaehoon won after much effort. Wonhye won immediately. Stalemate with Seongmin, lost to Jiyoon. JIYOON, for crying out loud. He's the size of a 9-year-old, but tenacious as a leopard. It worked. They were laughing and happy and chatty, speculating on who was stronger. And what it really amounts to is a chance to hold hands, which is what they're usually hoping for anyway. It was cute.
When they left, I felt so tired though. Physically tired from playing at arm-wrestling with darling kids (who should not be stronger as me but inexplicably are) and emotionally tired from watching the babies fight. Because it hurts. To see them hurt, to see them making bad decisions and trying to inflict pain on others, it's more draining than you might think.
But now I'm going to dinner with my buddy and I'm happy. :-)
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8 PM: Post-dinner, I feel better. I can be totally chill with the 2nd-graders now, I think.
Tonight I ran into so many of my former boys. One of them, Sunmoon (yes, his actual name is Sun/Moon) was in the Baskin Robbins tonight. He pointed me out to his friends and I pretended not to see it, then I caught his eye later and we waved. His friends were much impressed.
Then me and my friend walked past the arcade, one of my former students greeted me with the kind of heartfelt enthusiasm reserved for lost relatives or religious leaders. For a second, I didn't recognize this tall boy, but now I know he was Sunhong, the one I saved from bullying one day in class. He was speechless, but he kept trying to say something and kept touching my arm like he really wanted to let me know he cared. I patted his arm and smiled, told him it was good to see him.
Then immediately afterward, I saw America-Hyunkyeong and one of the Big C-class kids from last year ( I mentally call him Osong, since I ran into him in the town of Osong, but that's not his real name). They were chilling in front of the arcade and I gave them fistbumps and "hey what's up?"s. It was so good to see them. I freaked my friend out, though--she thought I was greeting random hooligans. I had to explain to her that they used to be my kids. They only look like college students--just two months ago, they were entrenched at my middle school, eating chips and throwing shoes at each other.
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