Ah, it's that time of year again. Mommy's day. And I'm always on the cusp of understanding more about my own mom and what I owe to her.
I wouldn't have come to this country--to MY country--without my mom's support. If it would have broken her heart for me to leave, I wouldn't have. But she sent me off! She gave me life and nurtured me and then let me go where I was supposed to. I pray that I'm able to do as much for my own little ones someday.
Church today was good. I was feeling ambivalent about leading a small group because in spiritual things I always always prefer to be ministered to than to minister. I can serve, sure. Can take care of babies and hand out food and clean up. But being a "leader" is new for me, in however small a capacity.
But the Lord's using it for something. Today, as I prayed out loud for our small group (2 middle school students, my friend who is my partner in leading, plus one of our church's deacons and his wife), I fell to absolute pieces crying, just overwhelmed by the Lord's sweetness and thanking him.
They understood. Our deacon and his wife are parents of one of my former students and they know me well from church. And I had just finished explaining that I can tell the Lord works on my heart when he makes me cry.
Don't know why, but praise songs and prayer time make me cry. Every Sunday, like clockwork. But I kind of welcome the tears--they're weird and they take some getting used to, but they happen for a reason.
In general, I feel like the Lord is softening my heart. The tears are part of that. The pastor's message today was about how God chooses broken people to pour his spirit into, and I feel that. Somehow, Jesus has been wearing away my defenses until I can't have a chip on my shoulder anymore.
I can't be tough or cool anymore. I don't mean so much in outward behavior, but inside. Something has changed and is changing. The toughness I kept up, the resentment at God for not giving me things I thought I needed, the vigilance about my own safety and upkeep, based on the belief that I had to look out for numero uno because nobody else (including God) was going to do it... it's all getting washed away.
Not sure why, but it's somehow very important that I be ultimately vulnerable. That I let God craft me into being as clear an expression of love and sweetness and comfort as I can be.
It's at least partially for the children I teach, I know. The softer I am in attitude, the more clearly I see their needs and the more often I pray for them. I'm more patient with them.
There's also been another situation that I won't go into which has been a refining furnace for me. It's been the source of so much genuine sorrow that I couldn't see what it was doing in my life except hurting me. What possible benefit could there being to this long-running pain? Well, today I saw that it has been one of the things that softened me.
Through this one struggle, I learned to let go. Sometimes the Lord doesn't fix your problem--doesn't shoo it away into oblivion or give you an iron heart so that you're no longer affected by the hurt. Sometimes he leaves it, and you learn to lean on him. Because leaning on the everlasting arms is the only way you can stand upright.
I'm glad the Lord didn't remove the thorn when I asked him to, no matter how many times I asked. If he had, I would still think I was a cool, tough girl who could keep it all together. Now I'm a vessel, ready to be filled with the Lord's presence and to do whatever he wants. As Mary said, "be it unto me according to thy word."
I can't protect my own heart or life. But God holds both in his hands.
And I Trust Him!
