2-28-15 #Thanks2

5 PM:   And the thanks, they continue!

Today, I went to help with day-camp vacation bible school with the Yoochiboo (preschoolers). Best thing ever. Exhausting, but fun. And! When I walked home, I went past a convenience store just in time to see my graduated boys Youngminnie and Ikwan, who came out to greet me! Oh, they were sweet. I didn't know that Youngmin was going to a school further away, but he says he'll come and visit anyway. I do so hope he does.

Here's the next three days of the Thank List, things I love, which I recognize as gifts from God:


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11. A warm drink cupped in the curled fingers of one hand; knowing it's there when I need it.

12. Scarves, or mufflers as they call them here, keeping the neck warm and the face cool in the wind; the feeling of security they give.

13. Cashew bites; salty and crunchy and just perfectly satisfying.

14. My hands and fingers, always holding, able to sense-perceive everything. form and function, feeling and containing.

15. Finding a pen you need, just when you need it.

16. This book I currently read; "1000 Gifts," this book with it's focus on gratitude and it's dare to receive God's love by receiving his gifts through thanks, through listing.

17. My Nexus 7, 2013 model, which has just enough power, which I fretted and feared was a waste of time and which has become a vessel to hold some very great delights for reading.

 18. Giant water bottles, 2 liters iced in the fridge, nearly unlimited refreshment.  2-26-15

19. High-quality earphones, letting me listen to music to keep me moving and motivated.

20. My new desk chair, deep and comfortable and shiny, much better for the back and the morale!

21. Getting my little red beta fish back, setting him back on his shelf after a few days apart.

22. A stomach full of warm soup, beef-flavored and reminiscent of grits, home-food.

23. A perfectly clean floor, wiped clear of every last crumb.

24. JY, dropping everything to come and drive me to the goodbye dinner for everyone.

25. My Lunch Coordinator, my school mom, saying goodbye and telling me to invite her to my wedding, even if it's in America.

26. Bright, pretty pink shoes. My sneakers, which trail after me everywhere, leaving a neon comet.

27. Katok, letting me send a million messages to my mom, plus pictures by the hundreds.

28.  Urban choreography videos with people moving like water down a windowpane. Gifts I appreciate in others.

29. Having enough time to wrap Yeseura's goodbye present in golden and iridescent paper. To show love.

30. Grilled meat,  the smell of it on the air before you even start to eat. 2-26-15

31. Scrambled eggs in the morning--ultimate breakfast food.

32. Pink hairdryer with high power settings. Dries and warms and gets the job done!

33. Chocolate oranges from mom, two sweet tastes together.

34. A picture of a duckling, which exactly illustrates my feelings.

35. Planning spring vacations in a mix of two languages. We shall tour just as the cherry blossoms open.

36. New oatmeal colored scarf, just as the old one was wearing out and needing to be retired.

37. Texts from friends, that sense of love when you know someone was thinking of you and wanting their evening to include you, specifically.

38. Knowing you can tell Mama anything, any dumb little thing and she'll listen like it's the most important thing she's heard.

39. Pictures of beautifully wrapped presents, just the sight of SOMEBODY putting in that kind of effort to make a gift look like a gift.

40. Giving a friend a gift of 5kg weights which I don't need anymore, knowing they will be used to make someone stronger and healthier, as they have made me. 2-27-15

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2-27-15 What's The Deal With All That Thanks You're Not Giving

4 PM: So.

I spend a lot of time thinking about thankfulness. And talking about it. And saying that I need ot do more of it. But I started reading this book that might be helpoing me really GET thankfulness to God for the first time.  It's called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.

I can say it's a life-changer, and I generally only feel that way about the works of T.S. Eliot and C.S. Lewis. And the funny thing is, one of my American students recommended it to me at the end of 2012.

At the time, there was no way I was going to follow through on her recommendation. I was preparing myself for a life in Korea, I was teaching several writing and literature classes, and I had a side job reviewing books. I had been a book reviewer for a couple of years, so I was more than a little stuck-up regarding my taste in books. 

                                           

I Have A MASTERS in Literature, Love. I Know All the Things.

How could this 16-year-old, no matter how smart, possibly have landed on a Christian non-fiction book that would in any way meet my rigorous standards for reading material? Add to that, I was kind of burned out on Christian non-fiction books, which (in 2012) seemed to me to be fairly juvenile. I had read the Bible myself over a dozen times, and was certainly not expecting to garner any new spiritual insights from coffee-table books.

Meaning, I was smug. And self-important and unteachable. 

And I'm glad I stumbled across this book on Scribd (a reading app on my computer), because it really taught me how to love God through thankfulness.

Part of the premise of the book is that the act of thanking God is the act of stepping into his presence. We get closer, we repair the relationship when we recognize his gifts and thank him for them. It's worshiping him. And we miss how many times in the Bible that thanks are given--Jesus gives thanks before multiplying bread (thankfulness and miracles are connected), and Daniel's strong prayers in the Old Testament were a thrice-daily giving of thanks.

And you have to be specific. I've spent many a year saying in my heart and out loud, "And thanks, God, for everything." Everything is too big a thing to focus on. You can't feel gratitude over everything. Like how one death is a tragedy and a million deaths is a statistic, my so-called appreciation of God's blessings is almost non-existent if I'm not noticing things on the individual level.

A friend of the author's dared her to write a list of 1,000 things she really loved. You could easily write a list of 10 things or even a 100, but a 1,000 sounds huge. Yet, she began making a list and now, so have I.

At first, I wondered whether "things I love," however inconsequential, really qualified as blessings. But, oh. I'd forgotten the very obvious verse saying, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." (James 1:17).

In the act of writing down every much-adored thing, you see how much God loves you. He sent that thing to you. He knew you would need it.

So I'm writing down at least 10 every day, no matter how simple, and I can already feel my heart opening more to receive God's love. It's all around and we worry and resent and just don't SEE it, right there. But I'm training to see. God is training me. 

First list of 10 things:

1. Deep pillows and puffy comforters in hotels.

2. My own bed (Korean or American) after long travels.

3. Taster's Choice instant coffee, piled deep in the cup, sent from my mother.

4. Nutella milkshakes, smooth and rare--taken once a season at You Are Here Cafe. 

5. Friends who know more than I do (about art. Architecture, language, anything).

6. Perfect pink lipstick and red gloss, a bright spot on my face.

7. Sunlight streaming into Seoul station in the morning; all of us on our way somewhere new.

8. Brunches. Such a feminine thing to do. The wide array of things you can eat, the conversations you can share with your friend.

9. Places to sit quietly and lay down your burdens when your back and arms are tired.

10. The white ruffle at the bottom of my brown sweater, which turns it into a dress and which always shows under my coat. 

                           2-25-15

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2-26-15 The Last Goodbye Dinner of the Semester

10 PM: And it's right good that it's over, because I couldn't handle any more crying.

I had heard 2 weeks ago that we were having a final hoo-rah dinner today, but nobody mentioned it again until Mr. B called me at 5:30. I'd been under the impression that we were having goodbye lunch today, so when nobody texted, I thought it was off.

Not so. I was in the middle of cleaning my apartment and I had to rush to change outfits and get my hair into shape. I wasn't the only one having to rush--JY-Teacher was sent to fetch me after she was already at the restaurant. Mr. B outranks JY, so apparently he can just order her to go pick me up. I felt bad about that, but she loves me, so it didn't end up being to much of a burden.

I had already eaten dinner, so I just sat with her at a table by ourselves and we chatted. I didn't get to say another goodbye to KBR, who left early, but I did get to give a freshly wrapped present and nice card to YSR. Luckily, KBR and YSR are going to the same school and they're besties, so it won't be too hard for them in a new place.

It will be hard for JY without them, though. She and I have decided that we're going to be extra-more-close with each other next year because our desks are now next to each other at the Big Downstairs Office (noooo! not the awesomest place! grahhh...) And SG1, a great friend of JY's, is actually coming back to our school when she had supposedly left, so that's good for us.

I also didn't know that my Lunch Co-ordinator--my School Mom--was leaving, When she came by our table to say bye, I was blindsided. At first I was just happy to see her, then when JY said she was moving to another school, I got all serious.

Now, I was ready to say farewell to KBR and YSR, and I had already mostly said my byes to them. I was prepared. But School Mom was another matter--she was always good to me, from day one and all throughout the last year and a half. I cried.

And when the tears come upon me, they often come in the following stages.

#1: Face goes slack/blank. Eyes widen. People observing are uncertain of what will happen next.

Might Be Sad, Might Be Contemplative--Hard to Tell.

#2. Eyes fill with tears. First true indication of what is to come.

Oh Boy, Those Tears  Are Almost CERTAINLY Going to Fall.

#3 Face completely crumples.

Defenses Have Been Overthrown. Countenance is Invaded By Sorrow.

#4. Tears fall and fall. Hands rise to hide face and wipe tears, fruitlessly. Heart is temporarily broken.

Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Ohh.

Anyhoo, I finally calmed down and we exchanged numbers. School-Mom told me I have to invite her to my wedding in the future, even if it's in America. I texted her to thank her for her sweetness and she texted back. I feel so blessed by having her in my life.

Before I left dinner, I got to tap NG's arm to exchange smiles and "byes," and I got to chat a little with Technology Teacher about his holiday, but because me and JY were late to dinner I didn't see anybody else. But it's my Thursday and I'll see everybody on Monday, anyways. Yay!

Also!!!! 

I went on a 4-day vacation in Seoul with Roommate. We had a grand time, went to a 4D movie where our seats rocked like a roller coaster and jets of air whoosed through our hair during the action scenes.

We went to a dog cafe where we played with puppies!

We shopped and I got 3 cute dresses.

We went to an aquarium and I saw manatees  for the first time. Also, there were seals and otters and penguins! And I think my favorite K-drama once filmed in this location.

I learned a lot about the art of thankfulness.

And we stayed in a lovely hotel in Gangnam!

 

2-13-15 She Talks About Cooking All the Things

3 PM  Liiiiiife! Is quite nice. Don't let anybody fool you. Life is really lovely.

Yesterday, we had our end-of-term English teachers' dinner and it was GRAND. No matter how well we know each other, these things are usually awkward, but yesterday was just perfect.

It was B-Teacher's final dinner with everybody, and his brief speech to everybody were about how he had always heard stories about Americans having awful relationships with their co-teachers, but how that had definitely never been the case for him in our school. He worked here for three years and now he's going home to the states permanently, but it was a good experience all around.

I'm glad I finally figured our how to be fun and funny with B-Teacher. Because even though he and I were at opposite ends of a table of 8 people, I was able to joke with him and prompt him to tell stories of his that I knew would be entertaining. Our whole table was laughing a ton, and it was just a good atmosphere all around.

On the 26th of this month, there will be one more farewell dinner for every teacher who's transferring elsewhere, which will be KBR's actual last day. I gave her a present and a cutely folded letter yesterday, so I'll need to get something for YSR for the 26th, because she's the only person I'm close to who will be leaving.

Today is Friday and I've just been exercising and cooking all day. This is the life. Last night, me and AM-Friend (an American) went shopping at Homeplus (similar to WalMart) and got some kitchen stuff. Lately, she and I are obsessed with kitchen appliances and can spend long stretches of time debating the merits of various kitchen implements.

We are hardcore devotees of this phase of our grown-up lives: the Taking Charge of Your Edibles phase. Our tiny kitchens are our fields of battle.

Also, Our Dance Spaces.

Conversational debate example: I have a mini-oven, but she has a mini convection oven, which means she can cook high-heat items like biscuits. So it makes me want a convection oven, but let's be honest, I'm not going to have a pressing need for a quarter ton of biscuits anytime soon, so that leads us to chat about cooking needs vs. wants.

Plus, I bought myself a microwave which I use constantly, meaning that I have two heaty-uppy kitchen gadgets to use when necessary, while AM-Friend just has the one oven, so six in one hand, a half-dozen int he other.

We're planning to go to Homeplus for weekly grocery trips next semester, allowing ourselves to plan meals in advance and allowing me to try out some new healthy-eating ideas I've been getting from tumblr.

For example, I want to start packing my own salads in wide-mouthed mason jars.

Like So.

I'm really taken with the idea of glass containers, because unlike plastic, they don't stain, and they're supposed to be healthier for you because glass doesn't erode into your food and plastic does, albeit in small quantities. In addition, glass is supposed to preserve  crispness better; so long as you put the dressing on the bottom and the lettuce on the top, 

And I ordered a food processor and blender so that I can make things like blueberry smoothies:

 

And 'nice cream', which is essentially just frozen bananas and coconut sugar, and whatever other fruit you want:

I'm really getting into making my own food as fruit-n-veggie and organic-centered as I can. Lately, eat soooooo many scrambled eggs, self-cooked spinach and raw fruits, it makes me feel like a different and more energized person.

I get to eat lovely things, and I get to learn how to create them. 

And I get to exist in this life. I get to live. How sweet is that? Thank you, God my savior.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places (Ps 16:6). I have what I need, and I am content.

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2-11-15 Sweet BH and People Worth Melting For

10 AM: Last day of school! Can you believe it? Can you even? It's my 2nd "last day of school," but it's my first last day of school when I've taught for the entire year.

It's significant, but also kind of calm because my favorite students aren't here (they graduated yesterday), and because we're all in a new office. There's a huge building behind the main school and all us 3rd-grade teachers are now ensconced on the second floor of it. it's biiiiig, it's new and mostly-clean, but it also has no sink, no water fountain, boxes of random stuff lying everywhere willy-nilly, and no coffee pot set up yet.

In other words, it's a beginning. This will be our nest for 2015, but we haven't straightened it out yet.

B-Teacher is leaving soon, KBR is leaving, YSR is leaving, and JY is getting to move from being a homeroom teacher to just a subject teacher and leader of the special Saturday program, so that's infinitely better for her. Less work, less stress.

I'm lucky that I'll still have JY and SY in my office. Next year there will be THIRTEEN 3rd-grade homerooms instead of ten, so our office won't just get three new teachers to replace the leaving ones--we'll get six. New friends! Or acquaintances! Whatever they are, I'll be glad to see them.

Yesterday, I held it together at graduation. I enjoyed their ceremony and didn't cry at all. That is, until I saw BH.

BH is my boy. Of the three 3rd graders I love most--him, BY and HH, he was the one who helped me through my first horrible afterschool. He came by after graduation and took a picture with me.

I told his mom what an amazing person he was, then when she went away I told him I'd miss him. Then i couldn't help it...the tears began to well up. I turned away, sure that a teenage boy would definitely not want to be witness to his teacher falling into a puddle of tears.

I kept trying to sniff and tilt my head back and do every trick I knew of to keep the tears from falling, but they started anyway. BH said, "Are you crying?" and turned me around so he could hug me. I just cried on him for a few seconds, then I told him why he was so special. I said, "I just remember how kind you've always been and how much you helped me with our first afterschool. I could always count on you and I really appreciate you."

He got just slightly misty-eyed himself when I told him how proud I was of him, how he'd grown up to be so handsome and smart. He said I was lovely too and that he'd be sure to visit. I truly think he will. After 18 months of knowing this amazing boy, all I can say is, it was worth coming all the way to Korea just to meet this one, the one who wrote me a letter in perfect English during my first week of school in August 2013.

Anyhoodle, not only did I cry over BH yesterday, I have cried every time I have mentioned BH to anybody. Seriously, I wept buckets just describing the scene over the phone to my mother. Cried this morning while telling SY about it. I may just have to resign myself to crying over BH's wonderfulness for the rest of my tenure at theis middle school.

But that would be okay, too. He's one of many people I know who are worth the tears.




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2-6-25 Sleep Limbo, and France is Bacon

11:55 AM

Fine day. I'm not especially tired, but I'm still on that weird Jet-Lag Sleep Limbo, where I go to bed and wake up at odd hours and stay very very alert for short periods of time. Last night, I went to bed at 7 PM, woke up at 1:30 AM, went to bed again at 4, woke up again at 7.

I've been watching "Maleficent" with the kids and I had a great discussion about it with BY this morning. He saw some themes and elements that I hadn't picked up on, and I taught him the phrase "it comes in handy," meaning that something is useful or helpful.

Shion insisted that the movie was going to be "no jam," but he was definitely invested in it after about twenty minutes.

Today after lunch is my last Giant Class. I'm not feeling particularly significant about it, though I almost feel like I should be. It was the class that witnessed my biggest failures, the class that made me cry most, the one that drained every bit of energy I had on most Tuesdays and Wednesdays. But it was also the place where I made new friends and where I learned to chill.

I learned that if the kids aren't bent to learn, nothing I do will change that--not talent, not hard work, not iron-fisted control, not even sweetness. But while educating them against their wishes might not be possible, sweetness was, and is, still always the best route. You catch more flies with honey and in this case what I really want to "catch" is their hearts. They don't have to like me or listen to me, but they need to know that I will listen to them if they need it. Giant Class made me stronger because it made me see that I needed to be sweeter.



In other news, this is the funniest thing I've read this week. I stumbled across it on the internet, it's written by some Reddit user who was describing a phrase he totally misunderstood as a child:


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When I was young my father said to me:

"Knowledge is Power....Francis Bacon"

I understood it as "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon".

For more than a decade I wondered over the meaning of the second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two? If I said the quote to someone, "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon" they nodded knowingly. Or someone might say, "Knowledge is power" and I'd finish the quote "France is Bacon" and they wouldn't look at me like I'd said something very odd but thoughtfully agree. I did ask a teacher what did "Knowledge is power, France is bacon" mean and got a full 10 minute explanation of the Knowledge is power bit but nothing on "France is bacon". When I prompted further explanation by saying "France is Bacon?" in a questioning tone I just got a "yes". at 12 I didn't have the confidence to press it further. I just accepted it as something I'd never understand.

It wasn't until years later I saw it written down that the penny dropped.

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Love it.

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3:40 PM

Classes over but still hanging out at school for a while longer. Today was...ehh. I dunno, just ehh. But I'm listening to peppy tunes to get my spirits upppity again.

After lunch, Hyo wanted some of the green-tea flavored Kit-Kats that I'd bought the boys when I was in Japan. I got a bunch of them so that I'd have plenty to give out, and they've been a big hit. I was surprised because no matter how often I offer it, Hyo basically never wants candy or chocolate. But he ate one mini-bar, then shyly asked for a whole pack.

I gave him one entire pack containing 3 mini-bars, because he is "my boy". I said this as I patted his head and HH, who was sitting next to me, bristled visibly.

For a second, I couldn't figure out why he was mad, then I realized that "my boy" is what I call HH. It's been his verbal designation for a while and it's special to him, so I squeezed his hand and amended, "He's my boy too, but you were my first boy. You're special." 

Then we re-hashed how he was the first student I had a real conversation with because he was the first kid who was brave enough to come talk to me in the Saturday class during that first week when I was observing. He never gets tired of hearing me describe that time and enumerate the many ways in which he was cool and smart for having done so. He will prompt me to say more if I forget parts of the story.

It's like me not getting tired of hearing my Dad tell stories about when I was young and did great feats of dexterity on the softball field. No one grows weary of hearing about their history when it's a happy one.

Deokryong came by to remind me that his birthday is next week and that I'd better cough up a present. Kiddo, I'd cough up a lung for you. Birthday presents are the least I'd do.

I was standing by the 2nd-floor window after 6th period, watching the kids going home when Yunho scooted in close and shrieked in my ear. That child. I'm going to get him back somehow, though...

Great convo with SY at lunch. She and I have missed each other rather a lot and it's good to be reunited.

Some of last year's graduated students came by the office. One of them, who I rescued from bullying once, remembered me. His friend didn't because he was in C-level English before, but my kid said to him in Korean, "Yes, of course you don't know her. But I do because I was in B-level since my English is so good." That's the spirit, mister. Keep that self-esteem high!

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2-5-15 Delays, Japanese Hotels, and Home Again

3 AM:   I have returned from whence I came, to the ROK, Republic of Korea.

It's so good to be home! I opened the door to a slightly sour-smelling apartment (one apple left in the fridge for too long), but aside from that it was clean and perfect and My Place.

Honestly, after making-do with my environment for 2 days of travel, I was overwhelmed with how just exactly right for me me place is. It was like it was made for me--which it was. :-) I walk in and I see my rows on rows of pink bookcases, my ethernet plug for perfectly reliable internet (a thing in rare supply in east Texas, sadly),my treadmill for my exercise habit, my cozy bed with its real covers and pillows, my cabinets full of baking supplies and my walls covered in sweet notes from students  and friends--it's home.

It's the one I made. I could make another, but this is my first one. I lived by myself for two years in grad school, and still this feels like the first house that was really mine, that I bothered to settle in and occupy. I'm so grateful to God for this lovely place. How blessed to be here.

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2:30 PM

Classes went okay! We're just in biding-time mode, watching movies and chatting until the graduation ceremony next week. I missed my boys so much. It is incredibly good to be back with them.

After lunch, HH and BY came to see me, plus Daehoon and then Deokryong, Hyunho, Hyo, and Donggu from 2nd grade. It was grand to fall back into old conversational patterns, where I'd ask HH and BY what they did for the break and get a clever, detailed account from BY and an "I guess I did some things" from HH. By this time, I find his inability to talk about vacations hilarious, and me and BY both got a good laugh out of his lack of verbage--HH laughed at himself, too.

The boys are trying to figure out how to help me get access to a comic book set that I'm really interested in--I watched the Japanese anime over the break and was instantly obsessed, so now I want to read the comics in their Korean translation. I could order them in English, but I think it'll be better for me to read the story in Korean.

BY says there's a rental store across from the train station which rents out manhwa (comics) by the day, like a Blockbuster for comics, but I can't take that option because you rent by the day and I read much slower than that.

So it looks like I'll be buying the comics off the internet. I also explained that in college I had a huge comic collection and I kinda like having a complete set.  HH doesn't understand because he collects absolutely nothing, but BY somewhat gets it because he collects board games.

Minhwe and Gyuchan came by to see me. They were darling and Gyuchan told me about how he's going winter-swimming with his family this weekend. Apparently this is something you can do at some islands off the west coast?

SY, my dear friend, went to New Zealand over the break and she told me that she thought of me often on the trip. Something about being in a country where she didn't speak the language, where the movies were all in English, there was no way to know if the shopping prices were fair, and she always seemed to be messing up her dinner order because she chose the wrong words when ordering.

She said to me in Korean, "The whole time I thought, "It's this what it's like for L all the time?"" She said that New Zealand was lovely, but the language part was stressful and it made her mindful of what my life here is like. How sweet! I was totally touched that I was on her heart.

More on my stay in a Japanese hotel later...
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5:40 PM

On the way home, I was mistaken for a mannequin.

Two mannequins had recently been set outside a clothing store near an intersection. As I walked up to the traffic light and stood next to one life-size doll, I noted how for just a second, I thought they were people. Then it was my turn to confuse people, because as I paused at the light, I felt someone pet my hair.

I turned around and saw it was a middle-school girl, who freaked out completely when I turned around. She was with about 8 friends, and after much laughter and explaining, we had a lovely conversation in Korean. Turns out, these girls are all 2nd-graders, and they are also all dating my 2nd grade "bad boys". Every girl wanted to be assured that I knew her boyfriend and that I thought they were each handsome, clever, special, and tall fellows. I did. :-)

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