11 AM:
Okay, so here's the deal with BY. He's still a kid. I got way to freaked out over his actions yesterday, mainly because I felt like he was conning me. I'm used to him conning other people and me telling him to reconsider his actions and be kinder and less manipulative. It hurt when he turned his bag of social tricks on me.
But! He's a kid! Why can't I just remember that he's a precious child of God, a middle school fella who does some dumb things but who still needs compassion? Goodness knows if someone brought the hammer down on me every time I messed up, I'd be in trouble.
I haven't seen him yet today, but I'll be sure to be extra nice when I do. I care about this one. Conniving moments don't discount his personal worth.
Speaking of trouble-kids, I had another blowup in afterschool, with William-Jiyoon. He drew ugly pictures of me and said I looked like a monkey, so I slapped his hand a few times and dragged him down to the big office to let someone else deal with him.
I was wrong, totally wrong. Because I was angry at him. It hurt me that this little guy that I've poured so much into could be so nasty as to reject all my attempts at connection in favor of just being snotty. I should not have slapped his hand. That was me being a bully--I'm bigger than Jiyoon. It's not right to use force to hurt someone when they've hurt you.
I was wrong.
After I went to the big office, there was no Mr. B to handle Jiyoon, so we just walked back. Jiyoon was crying by this time. I paused in the hall and hugged him. I just held him and said I was sorry. I told him he had to stop acting that way in class. Please, please stop. We held hands and walked all the way back quietly.
I did tell him I was sorry, but it wasn't enough. I need to make it up to him somehow.
Today, JY-Teacher is having Jiyoon and Wonhye (who egged him on) come to the office to apologize. I want to let them know they're still much-loved and that I'm not angry with them anymore. The complexities of teaching little guys.
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3 PM: Jiyoon and Wonhye came by, nearly in tears from the talk JY-Teacher was giving them. When we were done with their lecture, I hugged them and gave them little hand-written notes on blue paper with chocolate taped to it. The message said, "Everything's going to be okay". And it will be.
Triple Class was awful today. Awwww-fulll. I stopped class and we did nothing for the last 12 minutes because they weren't capable of not drawing naughty pictures on their miniature marker-boards. I wasn't angry, thank goodness. I just assessed the facts: my last 12 minutes of class are a draw-your-answers activity, and only 8 kids were attempting to play and of those, 4 were trying to act up.
Anyhoo, I just told them all that we were done and it was time to sit. I went to the front row and had a killer time playing word games with Myeongbae and Afro-Jiwoong.
Something's going on in the office. Sanghyuk's mom is here, yelling at him. He's crying.
Back to class--when the bell rang, I told NG-Teacher that I was sorry and I wouldn't just flat-out stop a class again. He smiled, not condescendingly, but like like he understood and like he thought I was funny.
I wasn't too sad today, but classes were so challenging, I honestly think I would have cried again if I hadn't made friends with NG-Teacher. It would have been hard to bear up under the sheer difficulty of today if I still thought I was being viewed with coldness/scorn from that direction. Now we've definitely got something closer to warmth/understanding. I've been taking every opportunity to talk together, and it's been a great day on that front. It fixes so much of what's hard about teaching grade 2.
Had a good talk with H-Sol as well. She understands how hard I'm trying to find good materials for the boys. We discussed out mothers and what we like for breakfast.
Lunchtime Games were good. Jeongmin, as always, tried to get me away from the other kids. Me, split 7 ways, is not as fun as me, directing all attention solely at Jeongmin. But I had fun with him and Eungyo, Kangyo, Gyuseong, Wonbin and the rest. My little Yeonghan and Soonwoo joined the bunch too. Yeonghan packed up the cards saying that he would be responsible for cleaning up the game since, "Someone who likes Sem is now here". I called him my thoughtful gentleman.
Myeongbae asked me what I thought of him and I said I liked him. He's smart and interesting--a great person. Then I got brave enough to ask him what he thought of me--he said he likes me, too. That's I'm nice and I make class fun and funny. Bless your heart, sweet child. You made everything better by saying that.
There have been a lot of challenging moments today. But! What I don't have time to mention is the 70+ interactions I've had with darling kids today, the smiles, the high-fives, the inside jokes. Me asking if their wounds are healing. Them asking about my baby brother. So much loveliness today. The bad doesn't come close to outweighing it.
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