2 PM
I'm tired-ish and medium-miserable, and I've already cried at school today.
My giant class was a nightmare. Actually, it wasn't. I'm being overly dramatic. They just ignored me to the point that I stopped their game 5 minutes in to go talk to NG about how on earth to manage our mess of a class.
He said he didn't know either. I'd already yelled at the kids twice. I can't begin to tell you how loud they are, and how infinitely interested in each other. There are 30 of them, and they're all best friends and they can't wait to chat to each other, and they are 30 shades of unmanageable. They're not mean or crazy--just loud and thoroughly disinterested in what I'm doing.
I will now, once and for all, give up yelling at them to be quiet.
At full volume with a microphone, I can only succeed in shutting them up for 30 seconds. And then, after yelling, I'm tired and angry at them for being so unmanageable.
I'm done. If I have to speak in a baby-quiet voice into a microphone and teach 5 kids in the front row while the others ignore me, that's what we'll do.
But after I talked with NG, I did go back and finish the game. And got way more responses than I thought I would. I had 9 names on the board, of kids who were responding. Yeongchan, Joohyun, Joonseo, Hyo, Jeongmin, Myeongbae, Chanjin, Jeongho and more were invested in the game and in learning.
I will let go of the big class. I will stop trying to be the good teacher who controls things and gets the kids to learn. It can't be done by force, not with these babies. I will lose control, but I will maintain my peaceful heart.
I think I've also been frustrated with NG. He's the Korean teacher, and he's a guy, so he should be able to get everybody in line, says my brain. Mr. B could almost always get the tough classes in line last year, but not so with NG. He's all things calm and quiet, and I have by far the more forceful personality of the two. If I can't make the kids chill out, he certainly can't and I think I've been angry with him over that.
Because it makes me look bad. It's the co-teacher's job to keep order and translate while I conduct class, and when that isn't happening I get really annoyed. I've already got so much else on my plate, making curriculum and games for these kids, can't I at least have a Co who can whip everybody into shape?
And then I remember that I'm terribly fond of NG, and that this isn't his fault. Having a quiet voice and a peaceful personality is sort of a gift, after all; not something I could undervalue. Also, he's sick. He's had a cold for days, and it's been getting worse. I should show a little more care for a friend who is tired and hurt. After all, the thing that made me dislike him so strongly at the start of the year was the fact that he treated me (I thought) thoughtlessly and coldly when I was sick.
Maybe God's given me this situation as a way to grow my compassion. Can I see someone in my exact bad situation, and show them the courtesy that I had wanted to receive? I hope so.
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3:30 PM: Feeling better! Happy and humming.
I taught 2-5, 2-6 with H-Sol, and it was quite fun. Normally, 5-6 barely gives a care about work, but today they were totally in the games and having a lovely time. I could have squeezed all their little faces and patted their heads for joy. H-Sol and I got to talk more, too. I wanted to go out of my way to connect with her.
Minsik won the game in class, which he has never done before. He was nearly bursting with pride when he followed me to my office for candy, so that made my heart brighten.
SG2 asked me if I want to go on a mini-vacation with her in October. I think I'm on board, and she wants to know if H-Sol would be interested in going, too, kind of as a bonding exercise among the girls of the English department. I told H-Sol about, and I think we're all going to start emailing soon. Here's hoping that it goes lovely!
I never thought I'd be the "vacationing to cool places" kind of person, but in Korea I'm always going somewhere fun for mini-holidays. Busan in May, Jeonju in July, Jeju coming up in September, and hopefully this new place with SG2 in October...dude. I'm really living an exciting, fun life, aren't I? I'm really psyched about the possibilities.
Jeongmin and Hyo wrote me encouragement notes and left them in my sketchbook. Super sweet. Deokryong came by to do a high-fave and tell me my hands are soft. After that, he asked for my tangerine lotion, which we've been sharing for days. He's probably the only 2nd-grader with babysmooth citrus-scented hands.
It's a bit rainy, but LSH teacher (one of the older men) says he'll drive me home from school as he often does. I'm in a good place.
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