6-6-15 Guess Who Can't Post On Schedule?

9 PM:

I'm doing a thing where I'm trying to eat extra-super-more-clean, changing little bits of my daily intake. I changed out my morning packet of processed soup for oatmeal--just oats and water and a little sugar.

I haven't had soda (diet or otherwise) or an artificially sweetened drink in 2 weeks. I've been really leveling up my amount of water, taking two bottles with me to school everyday, which is extra nice because I can share it since the kids are often thirsty in class due to the warm weather. Because it's

And being the start of summer, we're always on the edge of Quite Uncomfortably Warm. I've traded out the light-fabric cardigans I wear over my dresses (because in Korea we don't wear sleeveless dresses by themselves--it's a workplace fashion no-no) for thread-thin cardigans that are mostly see-through. I also sometimes take my feet out of my slip-on shoes in class because even having a strap over the top of my foot is too confining and too hot. It's toasty.

Classes are lovely. My boys are darrrrling. They are the best. Nothing is cuter or fun-er or nicer than them. Kyeonghun is drawing Spiderman characters everywhere, Changho is constantly guilt-tripping me about letting the potted flower that he gave me for me birthday die, Kyeongpil sends me photos of his own little cupcake baking projects, JH chats happily to me about every little thing that goes through his mind, and Dongjoo says he's going to marry someone like me someday.

Cute As The Goat's Pajamas.

One of my friends is worried that she and I will be transferred out of our respective schools after this semester instead of after this full year, and I'm afraid to say that I've let that worry infect me a little.

I mean, my school is my home here. I have friends and solidly designed classes and an uncountable number or beautiful children. It would hurt me terribly to leave them.

However, after talking with the Lord, I realized that there's been no indication that I'll have to move schools in August, and even if/when I have to go somewhere else, it's in God's hands. I've asked to remain where I am--if he moves me, it's not an accident, it's His will.

Cooking class on Friday was the first I've had in over two weeks due to the heat, and there were forty zillion tiny problems with it.

Basically, It Faceplanted.

My kiddoes added too much baking soda to the cookies which made the treats expand into a massive puddle that wouldn't cook, and one of my boys burned his forearm. But that particular boy shyly asked me if we would be cooking again next week, and if so, whether he could help out again. And then it struck me than no matter how much of a disaster I thought the lesson was, my little guys were happy with it.

I bought new bedding today. Clean, puffy, fresh. Also, I bought proper cheeses and learned the difference between Brie and Camembert (Brie is light and buttery and infinitely tastier, although the two cheeses look identical on the outside).

I still study language at least one hour every day, but usually more. It's paying off in little ways.

These days, I talk more directly to the Lord. And I've stopped sending up, "Would you please fix this problem I have, you know, if you have time, but I'll totally understand if you ignore this prayer." kind of prayers. Those were ungrateful and passive-aggressive, basically telling God that I didn't think he could fix anything, so I wasn't getting my hopes up for his response. How silly!

There, There, Little Penguin. Fret Not.

So I definitely feel more secure when I talk to God out loud instead of mentally grumbling the equivalent of terse text messages at him. He loves me! He's got good things planned for me! This I know. :-)

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5-10-15 Happy Mother's Day!

9:40 PM

Ah, it's that time of year again. Mommy's day.  And I'm always on the cusp of understanding more about my own mom and what I owe to her.

I wouldn't have come to this country--to MY country--without my mom's support. If it would have broken her heart for me to leave, I wouldn't have. But she sent me off! She gave me life and nurtured me and then let me go where I was supposed to. I pray that I'm able to do as much for my own little ones someday.

Church today was good. I was feeling ambivalent about leading a small group because in spiritual things I always always prefer to be ministered to than to minister. I can serve, sure. Can take care of babies and hand out food and clean up. But being a "leader" is new for me, in however small a capacity.

But the Lord's using it for something. Today, as I prayed out loud for our small group (2 middle school students, my friend who is my partner in leading, plus one of our church's deacons and his wife), I fell to absolute pieces crying, just overwhelmed by the Lord's sweetness and thanking him.

They understood. Our deacon and his wife are parents of one of my former students and they know me well from church. And I had just finished explaining that I can tell the Lord works on my heart when he makes me cry.

Don't know why, but praise songs and prayer time make me cry. Every Sunday, like clockwork. But I kind of welcome the tears--they're weird and they take some getting used to, but they happen for a reason. 

In general, I feel like the Lord is softening my heart. The tears are part of that. The pastor's message today was about how God chooses broken people to pour his spirit into, and I feel that.  Somehow, Jesus has been wearing away my defenses until I can't have a chip on my shoulder anymore.

I can't be tough or cool anymore. I don't mean so much in outward behavior, but inside. Something has changed and is changing. The toughness I kept up, the resentment at God for not giving me things I thought I needed, the vigilance about my own safety and upkeep, based on the belief that I had to look out for numero uno because nobody else (including God) was going to do it... it's all getting washed away.

Not sure why, but it's somehow very important that I be ultimately vulnerable. That I let God craft me into being as clear an expression of love and sweetness and comfort as I can be.

It's at least partially for the children I teach, I know. The softer I am in attitude, the more clearly I see their needs and the more often I pray for them. I'm more patient with them. 

There's also been another situation that I won't go into which has been a refining furnace for me. It's been the source of so much genuine sorrow that I couldn't see what it was doing in my life except hurting me. What possible benefit could there being to this long-running pain? Well, today I saw that it has been one of the things that softened me. 

Through this one struggle, I learned to let go. Sometimes the Lord doesn't fix your problem--doesn't shoo it away into oblivion or give you an iron heart so that you're no longer affected by the hurt. Sometimes he leaves it, and you learn to lean on him. Because leaning on the everlasting arms is the only way you can stand upright.

I'm glad the Lord didn't remove the thorn when I asked him to, no matter how many times I asked. If he had, I would still think I was a cool, tough girl who could keep it all together. Now I'm a vessel, ready to be filled with the Lord's presence and to do whatever he wants. As Mary said, "be it unto me according to thy word." 

I can't protect my own heart or life. But God holds both in his hands.

And I Trust Him!

5-3-15 Figuring Out a New Posting Schedule

8 PM:    Howdy!

I am happy as a bucket of clams. Healthy, growing mentally and spiritually, and surrounded by delightful friends.

I'm sorry I haven't written, but my life schedule changed a bit.

I'm trying to study constantly for the November exam in Korean, I got a 2 (high beginner) last November and I want a 3 (low intermediate) this November, just six months away. The 3 is not just somewhat harder than the 2---it's several orders of magnitude harder than the 2.

For starters, I have 2,500 vocabulary words to learn. Intermediate verbs like "to refrain" "to distort" "to stagnate," must be mastered, not just in their basic form but in their past, future, causative and passive forms. I'm halfway through the word list, currently.

Next, I have to master short essay-writing for the test. Nothing too fancy, just 5-8 sentences on any given prompt they produce.


It's hard, but I can do it. I want it, and I will dedicate myself to achieving it.

The World of Language: It Awaits.

But while I used to use my free class periods at work to jot down notes for blog posts, I now use that time for study. I'm happy with that, but I worry that I'm not updating my family often enough.

So for now I propose a Sunday Update--one post a week, hopefully containing notes from the previous days. It's a positive solution to the zero updates that result from my new studies, :-)

The kids are glorious as always. Nothing so lovely as their hearts, nothing so bright as their futures, I'm so lucky to be here, to be placed by God in precisely this location.

4-13-15 Cookies and 2nd-Grade Gangsters

6 PM:    First cooking class with the 2nd-graders went well.  For the first period, the kids were bored as a gourd because only 4 of them could cook and I hadn't figured out what to do with the rest of them.

But me and HS worked out what to do with them for Friday, so the problems are mostly solved. Yee!

Today, I had a good time with Dongwoo, who has always been a kid with high English but who has never been particularly interested in chilling with me, unlike the other kids. But today I pointed out that he helped me more than anybody else did, and he grinned. I think we'll get along better in the future!

Changho suggested that my nickname should be "Lovely" and he's probably going to keep using it, if I know him.

Daehyun, who loves me, noticed that I'm friendly with Chanhee (who also loves me), which naturally led to accusations of dating, because 2nd-grade logic works that way. "Teacher + Chanhee" was written in a heart on the board after class, so according to Monday's conversation class, I'm a couple with one of the biggest gangsters in 2nd grade.

But I think it's mostly positive attention for Chanhee, which is good for him. He's always in trouble for something. Last year, he gave his homeroom teacher fits and never obeyed at all, and this year I've already seen him kneeling in the stone-floor hall outside the big office, doing punishments for smoking.

I didn't know his name until this semester, but he's my boy. I want him to be healthy and happy, and anything sweet I can do for him is all to the positive side of things.

Jungyoon, a little fireball of joy and fun, offered up a great commentary on the cookie-baking and took it upon himself to reshape the "ugly" cookies into prettier shapes.

I found out that if a cookie recipe calls for 2 sticks of butter and 1 egg, you can use 1 stick of butter and 2 eggs and get a similar result--knowledge gained!

I had a batch of cookies leftover after class, so I fed them to 1st-graders who muddled their way into class. SG had one and she said it was good, so score!

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4-10-15 #Thanks 22

11 PM   Here's the Thank List and stuff I wrote on Tuesday, because school takes up load-boocoodles of time. :-)

241. Surprise ddeok, in nice little ribbon-wrapped packages, sent to all the teachers by one of the 3rd grade moms.

242. Finding out that it's my baby JH's birthday today, planning for his present tomorrow.

243. Gradually filling in the the color in my Secret Garden grownup coloring book.

244. Beomjoon bellowing "Your hair is YELLOW" for no good reason. It's been yellow for the past 2 years you've known me, little bear.

245. Chatting with EJ Teacher on the walk to school, trying to cultivate a new friendship.

246. Row upon row of cherry blossoms in town. Spring sprang everywhere.

247. Listening to JY teasing students--her style is totally different from mine, but the kids love it and respond well to it.

248. Looking forward to the girl-teachers-only teachers' dinner tonight. Should be fun!

249. Talking to 1st grader Yoongyu, about how he lives in my neighborhood, which is why I see him so often on the walk home from school.

250. The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe still being fun to watch with the kids after all this time.

1:30 PM Had my first office hours today. None of my 2nd graders came by, but plenty of 1st graders did, most notably Rook, who is one of the kids who loves me most, and who I recently found out was one of the school athletes.

Every year there is one athletic representative for each grade. When I got here it was GiantShion for 3rd grade (by the way, Shion surprised me on easter Sunday! He walked up quickly and said 'surprise' just as I was walking into English service and he was leaving Korean service. It's a good thing I have Shion's profile programmed into my mental database of "People Who Are Safe and Who I Am Glad to See," because my first reaction to seeing him was one of joy and not of alarm. Because he's big enough to make you jump back a bit, if you didn't know how sunshiny and loveable he was.)

Anyhover, the first year I was here it was Giant Shion, then Loud Jinsung (who I befriended), then Won, who i believed hated me for more than a year, though that now seems to be inaccurate. the best year, Youngjoon was added to the lineup, and now it's.  Won, Youngjoon, Rook, all lining up in the school vestibule and waiting for their training sessions.

Rook wants to know how old I am because of course he does.  I still tell them all that it's a secret, but I did add that i that been to college, grad school, and taught in America before coming here.

Rook says it doesn't matter that I'm old because I'm still totally lovely and a "golden beauty" (if you look up this phrase in Korean, it primarily yields pictures of Scarlett Johansson). I begin to think that Rook will never have a bad thing to say to me.

We also had a spiritual discussion. I go to church with his classmate, Joyful Hyunwoo, and Rook said he'd heard that. he asked if I went to church in America too, and wondered how church in both countries compared.  Then Hyunwoo walked in and they went off OK on a separate discussion about church, which was really sweet. Maybe more of my boys will come to English services! Who knows?

4:20 PM. Well, wonder of wonders class 2-5, 2-6, which gave me fits last week, was darling today. Once I figured out that what Hyunmin and Chanmin and ESPECIALLY Hansem want is attention.

So I give them attention. I compliment their pronunciation and laugh at their jokes and give them the side eye when they're being marginally mean to each other.

Last week I was pretty flabbergasted with them. This week, deciding to be charmed by them worked wonders. They were so pleased and so content with being liked and  being part of a fun, jokey atmosphere. It was like our own little club and it was grand.

4-4-15 #Thanks21, Baking List, and Infinite Eunjis

8PM    Glorious day of watching educational videos, gently exercising (yes, after 15 hours of sleep, I recovered enough to walk on my treadmill), studying Korean and baking vanilla cookies for an Easter brunch tomorrow. I feel so happy!

My illness was definitely bad-food-related because I'm at almost 100% capacity today. Oh, and I'm so enjoying the day. Here's some thankfulnesses I found in the past week:

234. Apple scented face wash.

235. Warm running water.

236. Learning my new 1st graders names.

237. Post-sickness, eating all the crackers in the world.

238. A dream of contentment, showing me that I already have the life I want, the one of deep joy.

239. Smell of vanilla from cookies, floating on the air.

240. Consolidating my notebooks. Tearing out old notes, reviewing my vocabulary, keeping my writing space productive.

And I'm working out how to do baking with my conversation boys on Monday. The budget still hasn't come through for the class, one month into it, but it shouldn't cost more than $20 for me to get the supplies we need. Mainly, it's just re-buying bowls and utensils from the Korean equivalent of Dollar General, so that we're not using stuff from my house.

My notes, they look like thus:

Current biggest issue is that the cookies need to cool, and they do that best in a freezer. Nearest freezer to us is a floor away because there are no offices on the 2nd floor. And since this is during class time, I have to be careful about sending kids trotting off to go put stuff in far-away fridges, just in case somebody objects.

Anyhoosier, I think I'm on the right track. Monday's gonna be exhaustrifrying without me trying to bake with the babies, but I'm gonna do it anyway, I think. It'll be good for all of us to try a project.

Tomorrow's Easter! Whooo!  Preschool egg hunts, then brunch with the other Americans, then English worship service, then small groups, then Easter dinner at my friend's house! 'Tis a full and happy day, the day of resurrection. :-)

In other news, one of my from-last-year kiddos, Chaehwan, friended me on Facebook. I added him because I actually could remember him...

Only One of These Ducklings Is Your Duckling.

Good Luck Finding Him.

The big and hilarious problem with sorting out Facebook friend requests from Korean teenagers is that I'll only accept the requests of children I personally know ( I get asks from high-school kids who are friends with my former boys), and they make it next to impossible to discern their identity. 

Reasons Why I Can't Tell Who My Kids Are:

1. Inaccurate Profile Pictures. Instead of having a picture of themselves, even a fuzzy-grainy photo, a distance shot, or a pic of them in the midst of ten other people, the boys will choose to display their favorite female celebrity.

If I get a request from a kid, I will certainly remember his face, without a doubt. But his profile picture will not be his face, but rather a face which he enjoys looking at. For example:

Eunji, from A-Pink

Chorong, from A-Pink

Hyeri, from Girls' Day

And the students all like the same girls, so it's not just one boy with these as his profile picture! If you believed photos, I'm friends with 5 Eunjis at least. 

2. Inaccurate Extra Photos. Facebook has an option where you can look at all the photos a person has uploaded, if they make that public. If I get a request from a kid and he's got a standard Eunji-pic on his profile, I check his extra photos to see if there's one that's, you know, actually him. And in about half of the cases, there will be an old selfie in there. It will refresh my memory and I'll know that yes, I did teach this particular Youngjin, back in fall of 2013. He was smart and I often saw him hanging out at my neighborhood playground.

But. 

Sometimes you click the "Photos" tab and it's just more Eunjis.

Student Un-Identifiability Increases 

As the Amount of Eunjis Approaches Infinity

3. Video posts. Grown-ups sometimes post videos to Facebook, but we write about our lives, too. The kids are more prone to post funny video after funny video, with no content related to their life, which would be helpful in figuring out if they're my student. If a kid has written a timely post in Korean that says, "Sports Day was boring!" then since every school has different sports days and he can only be talking about one event, I'll know if he's one of mine. but they only sometimes write real-world-related things.

So,

back to Chaehwan. I saw him last week, in the window of the boys' high school next door. Often, when me and JY go for our lunchtime walk around the soccer field, our former students will be at the windows and they'll yell down at us through the giant fence. It's darling.

I hollered a hi to Woojin, Duyeol, Hojin, Other Hojin, Junsu, Taegyoon, and a few others, but when I saw Chaehwan's face, his name escaped me. I knew it wasn't Chansu or Changyo, but I couldn't place which "Ch"-name he was.

Next day, I got a friend request from him and remembered, "Oh right! It's 'Chaehwan"!" Whew. Request accepted, name-remembering crisis averted.

I remembered his face well because he was A-level and I taught him for three semesters. However, Chaehwan was never one of the ones who tried to be close to me. He was unfailingly pleasant, but he wasn't funny or brilliant and he didn't try to make conversation. 

Today, he asked in English on one of my posted pictures, "Teacher, do you remember me?" Youngjoon, one of my old favorites, took the liberty of replying to him, "no she doesn't," before I had a chance to write back. What I wrote was, "Chaehwan, you always helped me and KBR by locking the door when class was done, and you have a new baby sister, don't you?" He "liked" my comment, and I knew I'd gotten my info correct.

Crazy thing is, I never-never would have pegged sweet Chaehwan as a kid who cared about being remembered. But he noticed that I didn't call his name at the window. And he still wasn't sure if he was known, so he asked in public forum. And thank the Lord I had a few key facts set aside in my mind, to produce so that Chaehwan could be validated in front of Youngjoon (who was just teasing him, but these things are always more important than they seem).

You never know who wants to matter. Might as well value all of them and commit as many of their details to memory as you can. Because one day, someone surprising and unlooked-for will want to know if you remember their new baby sister. 

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4-3-15 Sick, Contemplations on Age, and Office Hours

7 PM:

Missed you.

It's Friday and I got through the school day by sleeping for 4 class periods in the nurse's office. I spent all last night vomiting--seems to have been bad food, not a real stomach flu.

Anyhyperdrive, I kept tabs on my body and determined that I could make it to school. I managed to sit through my first 2 classes and let them study, but I couldn't last any longer. JY walked with me to the nurse's office and I got some medicine.

I actually did eat rice at lunch, a fair amount of it, so I felt really convinced that I was on the mend. Despite feeling like that walking dead, I knew the bad stuff was out of my system.

After lunch, my 2nd grade students Dohyun and Dongsup came by my curtained hospital bed to inform me that it was class time, but I told them they'd just be with HS-Teacher today. Our double convo class just couldn't happen.

After school, I actually felt well enough to walk home, and Dohyun rode his little bike after me to make sure I was okay, He's SO SWEET. I remember when he was in my second afterschool last year and I thought he was a 2nd Jiyoon, a pint-sized troublemaker, and he's turned out to be my great comfort and joy in many situations.


Here's writing I did on Thursday, before I got sick:

1:22 PM. Well, almost as soon as I halted my thankfulness habit, the worry bug bit. Today, JY pointed out that this year's 2nd graders aren't quite as happy with their homeroom teachers this year because all the 1st grade female teachers are young and pretty, while the 2nd grade female teachers are mostly older ladies.

It made me a little sad and worried for the future because I'm not going to get younger, obviously. This is a one-way train and getting older is where it leads.

Doors this kind of student-behavior mean that if I'm still teaching when I'm 50, none of my students will pay attention? Will I be less valued, less loved, then?

Then I recall my beloved high school English teacher, who was almost 70 and was my daily light and inspiration. And the super-cool ladies of the English department at my college, who were knowledgeable and polished.

I can't fear age. And I won't.

Good put me in a body like anyone else's, subject to the same processes as anyone's. it's all a gift, the coming and the going.

1-1, 1-2 class was great. They're SG's kids, some of them, and they're just charming and a joy to be around.

Kyeonghun, one of my greatly like 2nd graders hung out after class to talk to me about Easter, about how he's Catholic and today is Holy Thursday. He said, as he said last week, that he enjoys talking with me but that he's upset because there's never enough time to do so.

I suggested visiting my office, but he said the teachers don't like kids to visit there, and that's quite true. I've got to wrack my brain a little to do his time to talk with kids like Changho and Kyeonghun who don't feel like they're getting enough time.

My current idea: have office hours in the English room every Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday from 1--1:30 for kids who want extra talking time. Mondays and Fridays are really busy for me, so those days might not be practical, but it's a possibility at least, for some of them.

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